[Beer Smile]
So it is, I have two types of clarity : that kind which comes to when I'm wrapped in the gauze of alcohol, and that kind that comes when I feel I'm at the bottom of everything, at the peak of sobriety.
The first type I know many can relate to. These are the men and women who find their ways into bars on weeknights and don't allow their current circumstances to interfere with thoughts of bigger dreams. They know, as they say, that they were meant for a better life than this- but that they're tied - and they will go on dreaming.
They count their accomplishments, the steps they have taken, and despair because they have only gotten them to here. Here, where they can forget about waking up to go back to their crummy jobs for a few hours, and exist in an atmosphere of good times, good music, and other good and disenchanted people like themselves. Not terrible, but not quite what they had in mind.
I flourish in this atmosphere, although I'm drunk as shit and probably being a slob. I have no fear, and as I restrain myself from being the only drunk bitch in a bar with no dance floor, there is an impulse I am nearly powerless to deny.
And so, more often then not, I allow myself to be elated. Although I see that others are hugging the bar, gripping their beers, my feet tapping with not let me be. I cannot suppress it. I want to be free. I can always bury it in the morning and tell myself "That's what drunk people do." So, I dance, and the entire floor becomes a dance floor; I don't care, and neither, it seems, does anyone else.
Of course the other clarity comes in the middle of the day, or worse, during my first cup of coffee in the late morning when I break from the comfort of sleep (which I prolong for as long as I can), so I can get on time, to the job which is getting me nowhere, but that I feel desperately tied to.
During the drive to work along Route 295 a flock of birds lifts into the air like a freshly cleaned white sheet and I am moved to tears. I envy their freedom as I watch them change directions 3 times before they, as one unstoppable force, move towards their destination. I only wish I could steal one second of their determination.
My Morning Jacket - Bermuda Highway (live)
oh, don't carve me out
don't let your silly dreams fall in between
the crack and the bed and the wall
[V-Day]
5 Songs to Make You Wish You Were in Love
"Sometimes I think I want a girlfriend, but really I just want to cum." I read that on a random myspace profile some time ago, and though I laughed when I read it, it's damn true some of the time. It pretty much sums up my thoughts this fake holiday. You know, sometimes having a significant other is nice, but right now, I love myself more. I'll leave V-Day to all the believers this year. But here are a selection of songs that get my heart thumpin.'
Lou Reed - This Magic Moment (The Drifters cover)
Lou Reed's twist on this sweet ditty from the 60's appears in the film Lost Highway, as well as on the soundtrack. The track creeps into action with a distortion hum that is layered by clean, rhythmic guitar and Reed's deep, low, vocals that go in through your ears and end up vibrating somewhere near your pelvic region. "Everything I want I have, whenever I hold you tight," he sings with conviction, "So please, save the last dance for me."
Wolf Parade - This Heart's On Fire
The last track off Apologies to the Queen Mary is a sort of rock n' roll tribute to being in love. It's as high-energy as any Wolf Parade song, driven by the floor tom, the snare drum, and Dan Boeckner's excitable voice, the song builds to a climax with the words "This hearts on fire," repeated over and over, although my favorite line is, hands down, "YOU'RE MY FAVORITE THING. I TELL IT EVERYWHERE I GO." Alright fine, yes, this song makes me want to say FUCK FUCK FUCK YES, I'M IN LOVE.
Arcade Fire - Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels)
So many of the Arcade Fire's songs typically peak in a cacophony of percussive and vocal explosiveness, that in essence many of them feel as though they could be love songs. They get your heart pumpin', and your foot tapping. I can't sit still when I hear this song and it reminds me of being 13 and laying in bed on the phone with the boy I wanted to marry wishing I could dig a tunnel from my window to his. Sometimes I wish I could still have wishes like that. "You change all the lead sleeping in my head to gold." Ah, yes, someone please, do that for me. And while you're at it, purify the colors, purify my mind.
Bright Eyes - A Perfect Sonnet
The song that sums it up for us all, before it all went wrong. If you've never heard it, quick, try and write down your perfect idea of love before you do. Because after you hear it, you'll realize that it's been written, and A Perfect Sonnet is it. This song builds in such rich vocal desperation on Conor's part; what begins with a soft and subtle guitar strum and simple melody, maxes out with pounding drums and rough thrashing and scratching screams. Fuck that. no, fuck that. love will not end.
Van Morrison - Sweet Thing
Only a handful of songs paralyze me the way this one does. It's Van's voice, its the way I find my body rocking to the rhythm, the plucking of whatever instrument that is... the accented high-hats, and those violins. Secondary, although ever so important, is the image that is painted in the mind of a land where we are forever youthful in love. "And I will raise my hands up into the nighttime sky/and count the stars that's shining in your eye." It's dynamite. I swear to it, I feel oceans rip through me when I hear this song. My, my, my, my, you sweet thing. I'll be satisfied not to read in between the lines. Ah, it is picture perfect.
[she wore a flower in her hair]
Tell them dear, that if eyes were made for seeing,
Then beauty is its own excuse for being
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
*I will try not to make a habit of stealing photographs of beautiful girls in bars, although it has happened more than once as of late. (But..but..but... a picture lasts longer).
